I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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