He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
