Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
