so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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