right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
