I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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