im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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