I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This is the high leading the old right now
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
