Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
