so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize