I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
