I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
