He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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