Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
