I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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