Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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