There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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