Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
