I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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