Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
