He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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