he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
birth control should be required to get into college
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
