Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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