Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
