I think im going to throw up on grandma
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
