Im at strip club and am horny
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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