Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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