just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
