Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
