Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
