On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
