In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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