Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
