i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
