i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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