no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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