Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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