bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
