Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
