If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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