get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
