the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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