Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
