Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
