I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i think im in europe. pls send help
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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