i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
