ugly people sure do ruin things
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
