i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
