Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
