was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
