Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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