you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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