How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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