If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
