I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
