I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
