I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
