I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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